I have a confession to make: I bloody love a good sex tape. Don’t judge me, some people drink milk directly from the carton, others don’t wash their hands after they go to the toilet. Everyone’s got a weakness. For whatever reason, I find it strangely therapeutic to kick back after a long day at work and watch celebrities in various states of undress awkwardly pawing at each other. I have a tendency to get quite invested; I spent the entirety of the Tulisa tape intermittently placing my head in my hands, groaning at the laptop as if I were at a football match and yelling, “Come on!! What are you doing?!! Put it in your mouth!! Come on, get it in!! Oh for God’s sake!!” My penchant for sex tapes appears to have hit a bit of blip however, as there simply aren’t enough. Here are a few I wish were real.
1) Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton
It was 2008, George Bush had left the presidential office and the whole world watched with bated breath as two presidential hopefuls battled it out for their chance to take ol’ W’s place. On one podium, Barack Obama: oh so articulate and groomed, delivering his arguments with equal parts charm and measured passion. On the other: Hilary Clinton: sophisticated, buxom, smartly identifying flaws in her opponents campaign with more than just a touch of sass. As the weeks passed, the two candidates verbally tore chunks out of each other. It got very intense. Too intense. The distance between the two podiums couldn’t disguise the mutual sexual attraction that was growing between them. As they battled it out the sexual tension became so palpable I half expected the familiar “wa wa wa wa” intro to “Let’s Get It on” to start playing in the background. Let’s face it. Obama is ageing like a fine wine and Hilary is a handsome woman, the sparks were bound to fly. A sex tape featuring Hilary and the Big O isn’t completely outside the realms of possibility. There has been talk of Hilary being elected Vice President for 2016. Provided Obama retains his presidency, these two could end up spending quite a bit of time together. Working in such close quarters there’d be plenty of opportunity; Nights spent behind the desk poring over the computer, lingering glances in the oval office…
Hilary’s not too long in the tooth to get her own back on Bill, that’s all I’m saying.
2) Tom Daley and Jordan
Tom Daley, the golden boy of the games can do no wrong. Newspapers and magazines are singing his praises. Women across the country are swooning at the sight of his oddly muscular torso glistening in the Olympic showers. In the media, he is commonly portrayed as a humble and unassuming young man, who loves his mum and likes nothing more than kicking a football around with his mates. The trouble with that is, I don’t buy it. No one is this wholesome. There’s something very innocent and pure about this kid and it needs to be tainted.
Jordan’s no stranger to sex tapes; that 30 second clip of Dane Bowers pounding away at her while she reacts with all the passion of someone making a cup of tea isn’t going to be leaving my memory any time soon.
She had a secret fling with Gareth Gates back when he used to be relevant and to her credit, she sexed up his image. I’m pretty sure she could do the same for Tom and I can’t pretend I don’t want to know what he’s working with once he steps out of those tight speedos. Right now all reviews and reports on this guy would have you believe that Daley is a just a Plymouth boy done good, who’s a credit to his country and an all-round upstanding young citizen. Let’s see how upstanding he is with a big pair of tits in his face.
3) Daniel Craig and Tila Tequila
I’ve got a lot of time for Daniel Craig. He’s made a point of decrying the mindless culture that allows scores of talentless cretins to rise to fame and publicly called the Kardashians, “a bunch of f******* idiots.”
Tila Tequila represents pretty much everything Craig stands against.
Firstly, her name is Tila Tequila. Secondly, if you read her Wikipedia page she is described as “a personality,” which is ironic as she is a scantily clad android with no discernible talent or substance whatsoever. She has whored out her entire life to the media, tips her whereabouts to the paparazzi as a matter of course and has appeared on literally any reality show that will have her. Sure, Craig would hate her, but there’s a thin line between hatred and pure, unbridled lust. One night with Craig and I’m fairly sure she would barely be able to remember her name. We all saw the scene in the “Casino Royale,” after Craig has just murdered someone, then takes a few seconds to stare into the camera with those cold soulless eyes.
He’d absolutely destroy her.
4) Martin Freeman and Lucy Davis
There was something very classy about the way Ricky Gervais chose to conclude Tim and Dawn’s relationship on “The Office.” After two seasons of missed opportunities and loaded silences, England’s favourite television couple finally sealed their union with a much longed for kiss and walked off in each other’s arms into the metaphorical sunset. It was lovely. It was meaningful. It was touching.
It wasn’t enough.
I wanted more. After “will they?wont they”ing us for two series, a chaste kiss just didn’t cut it for me. I wanted tongues. At least. As our own Ross and Rachel, Lucy Davis and Martin Freeman owe it to their fans to release a sex tape. I couldn’t care less that they both have partners, children, dogs whatever. I want to see Tim and Dawn get it on.
5) Frankie Cocozza and Jo “Supernanny” Frost
Frankie Cocozza is by all accounts a massive massive bellend. I could substantiate this statement with any number of quotes from any interview he’s ever done but I’m not going to. Seriously, just Google him, his pictures say more than I ever could.
Despite this unarguable fact, there is no disputing that since his acrimonious exit on the X Factor, the likelihood that he has gotten vast amounts of tail is pretty high. Like most bellends used to getting it on a plate, Cocozza has inevitably become complacent and I’d put money on him not being able to shag worth a darn. Frankie needs the guidance and sternness that only Jo Frost could give. Frost has a sort of strident sexuality that I think could really flourish if she channelled her energy into schooling Frankie in the ways of the flesh. I’m not one to pay for my porn but this is one sex tape I’d shell out for. I can just imagine it, Jo praising him when he’s doing well, ignoring him when he’s done badly. You just know he’d leave his socks on. Twat.
6) Phil and Kirsty off Location, Location, Location
A sex tape featuring these two would be almost redundant at this point. It would only confirm what everybody knows, i.e. that they’ve been banging like pots in a thunderstorm since the programme began. The chemistry between them just seems to go from strength to strength. It’s distracting. I can’t watch it without assuming that Kirsty’s wanking him off under the table or wondering why they don’t stop going on about building an extension and just blow each other already. Kirsty has that look of a woman who needs a good rodgering and with Phil’s deep voice and chiselled jaw, I don’t know how she’s resisting. She’s a better woman than me.
7) James Lipton and Kathleen Turner
Here is a guy with arguably one of the best jobs around. He gets to sit opposite some of the finest actors and actresses this world has ever known and have in-depth meaningful conversations with them. I would sell my firstborn child to have his job and yet in all the years I’ve been watching “Inside The Actor’s Studio”, I’ve seen him smile perhaps once. A couple of times he hasn’t even appeared to be breathing. Morose doesn’t even begin to cover it, Lipton is devoid of life and I know just the person to revive him.
She’s such a game lass. She appeared on Graham Norton’s show a couple of years back and when asked to participate in a telephone prank, she didn’t balk at the suggestion, no she got in there, even adlibbed. Can you imagine any of her contemporaries – Lauren Bacall for example – showing such enthusiasm? She doesn’t take herself too seriously and is just the sexual wakeup call Lipton needs.